Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
