Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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