Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
