The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
