god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
