i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
