While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
