if only i could text you this smell
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
