I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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