I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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