Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
