What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
