I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
