Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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