I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
