we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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