if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
