I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
