woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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