I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
