So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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