I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We are all done wearing pants today
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
