I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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