Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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