Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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