So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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