I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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