Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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