I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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