What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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