my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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