C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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