I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
