can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
