I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
