Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
