I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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