laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
