i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
