highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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