just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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