you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
