if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
