Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize