she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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