Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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