did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
