just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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