I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
