saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
