My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I looked at my own cervix.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Randomize
