i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
