I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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