Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
