my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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