I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
