I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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