M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
