dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
